


A loss of faith

by highfunctioning_homosapien



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Destiel - Freeform, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Season/Series 09, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-13
Updated: 2013-10-13
Packaged: 2017-12-29 08:00:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1002933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/highfunctioning_homosapien/pseuds/highfunctioning_homosapien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in Season nine, but somewhere in the not so distant future. Dean/Cas established relationship. Ratings are likely to go up later, and will include character death and lots of angst. Thanks to a Tumblr anon for persuading me to write this, I hope it doesn't disappoint.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A loss of faith

It had taken almost a year to get there. Almost a year for three men to battle their way, through good and evil and blood. For Castiel, it had been the longest year of his life; learning how to live as human, learning how to live at all. His new body was weak. He was no longer able to protect the Winchesters like he used to. But he was still a soldier, and he learnt fast. Dean had taught him how to hold a gun and pull the trigger. Sam had taught him how to pack rock salt into shotgun shells, and he and Kevin together had worked out the Angel tablet. Kevin especially had done the most work, and had paid the price. Despite being so young, his face had aged considerably in such a small amount of time. Part of Cas still wanted to be able to take away his memories of the past few years restore him and let him go back to his old life. But he couldn’t do that, not anymore. So instead he fought side by side with the Winchesters, and tried his hardest to be the best hunter he could be, despite everything.

He had changed a lot too in the past year. He was still himself, but he could feel more, see more, do less. He saw more of humanity than he ever had before, felt more of humanity than ever, but he had paid the price for that knowledge. Sometimes he felt useless against everything. Compared to the celestial being he once was, this human body was but a shell. He could feel its cells dying as he aged every day. He could feel every scratch and burn and splinter. Cas had developed a newfound respect for humanity after even a day. It was indeed a miracle that any of them still existed. It was more than a miracle that he still existed.

But finally, finally, they had managed to get to Metatron. The spell could be reversed, they could return the angels to their home and reverse the damage Castiel had done. The relief he felt was uncomparable after all the guilt. The deafening and crushing guilt infected his very bones. Cas was sitting in his room in the bunker as he sighed, for what felt like the millionth time that morning. He rarely found himself in his own room anymore. It had been an obvious and silent transition from his blank room to Dean’s. Dean was one of the few things that made this whole situation OK, even if it did take the hunter a little while to realise what on Earth he was feeling, but Cas had forgiven him without a thought. Falling in love with your best friend, who happened to be an Angel of the Lord wasn’t exactly a common experience.

Cas rubbed his eyes, smearing away salty tears. “Cas?” An uncharacteristically small voice came from the doorway of the room. Castiel looked up to see Dean leaning against the doorframe, his outline silhouetted against the orb of light behind him. The round light shade gave him a sort of ironic halo. Cas almost laughed out loud for some inexplicable reason, but let out a noise somewhere between a sob and a cough instead. “Hello Dean.” He replied, almost automatically.

Dean didn’t need to ask what was wrong, if his friend was ok. He knew he wasn’t, and he knew he wouldn’t be for a long time. He could see the guilt weighing on him from a mile away.

“C’mon.” He held his arms open, gesturing with his fingers for Cas to come closer. “Come here you big softie.” He teased gently, smiling sadly, but without pity.

Castiel got up, smoothing down his, well Dean’s, jeans and moved quickly over to the other man, bare feet silently padding across the floorboards. He ignored Dean’s outstretched arms and seized his face instead, kissing him hard and defiant. Dean was taken aback for a moment, expecting a weak hug from Cas, and getting a rough kiss instead. He let Cas take the lead, feeling his raw need behind his lips. Dean’s mouth parted pliantly, yielding instantly to Castiel’s touch. The hunter allowed himself to be pushed back against the wall, his only assertive movement being to move his arms from flailing pointlessly in the air to Cas’ hips and waist. Cas continued the assault on the other man’s lips, barely parting for breath. In any other circumstance his actions would be taken for lust; like lovers reunited after months. But this was different. There was electrostatic attraction, yes, but there was sorrow, and loathing and regret behind Castiel’s soft lips too. Dean was just glad he had chosen this as a coping mechanism. He’d rather Cas take out his emotions on him than himself, however hypocritical that was. He knew full well of his own alcoholic tendencies, but to see Cas slip into the same pattern would be heartbreaking. So Dean let Cas suck and bite his way across Dean’s jaw, let him scratch and squeeze however much it hurt, however many bruises it left, because Cas was here, with him, and he was broken, they were both so broken, but they had each other and he had Cas’ smell in his nose and his taste on Dean’s lips.

“Dean…” Cas let out a deep guttural noise that Dean wouldn’t pretend turned him on more than a little. “I’m sorry.” He sobbed against Dean’s neck, breath making the hairs on his nape stand up.

“It’s ok.” Dean whispered. “It’s ok.” He repeated, again and again, holding the other man close. He could feel Cas try to fight Dean taking control, pushing against him, but he eventually desisted and fell against Dean, his body shaking.

“I’m so sorry Dean, for everything. You deserve so much better.” He murmured into Dean’s chest. Dean frowned and pulled back a little, holding Cas’ face in his palms.

“Don’t you ever say that. You hear me? Don’t you ever say I don’t deserve you because you know that’s not true.” He locked his eyes with the other man’s. The redness around Cas’ eyes made the blue of his irises stand out more than usual, and as usual Dean found it almost impossible to look away. “I need you Cas, don’t you ever forget that.”

“I…” He started to reply and trailed off before clearing his throat and began again. “I love you too, Dean.”


End file.
